〰️ No. 18 - March 2022 〰️

Extending Grace

Mar 31, 2022

“If I had my life to live over, I'd dare to make more mistakes next time. I'd relax, I would limber up. I would be sillier than I have been this trip. I would take fewer things seriously. I would take more chances. I would climb more mountains and swim more rivers. I would eat more ice cream and less beans. I would perhaps have more actual troubles, but I'd have fewer imaginary ones. You see, I'm one of those people who lived sensibly and sanely, hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I've had my moments, and if I had to do it over again, I'd have more of them. In fact, I'd try to have nothing else. Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many years ahead of each day. I've been one of those persons who never goes anywhere without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a raincoat and a parachute. If I had to do it again, I would travel lighter than I have. If I had my life to live over, I would start barefoot earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would go to more dances. I would ride more merry-go-rounds. I would pick more daisies.”

Nadine Stair

Someone recently told me that I don’t have a lot of grace for people. My reaction was one of exasperated laughter. “Who have you been talking to?” I jokingly asked. I accepted their comment as gracefully as I could, with some futile hope that taking it in stride would prove them wrong, all the while knowing they weren’t.

This is something I’ve come to know about myself, both through my own exhaustive self reflection as well as from those around me who act as mirrors. I suppose I do expect a lot of people. But if it’s true that I don’t have much grace for others, you can guess how much I extend to myself. I know I’m not alone in that.

We’re often hardest on ourselves and act as our worst critic. We preemptively imagine all the unkind things that others might think or say about us. We do this in a bid for self preservation. Humans are social creatures. We’ve evolved to live and thrive in groups. Somewhere deep in our little lizard brains we know that rejection from other people threatens our well being. If we’re ostracized from the tribe, forced out on our own, we’re more likely to be picked off by a tiger (or whatever the modern day equivalent to that is). So we constantly self monitor, hoping to identify and correct things we worry we’ll be rejected for.

We go beyond that, though. Not only to avoid rejection, but to encourage acceptance. How can I make myself appealing? Interesting? Successful? Useful? What more can I do to prove my worth? Most of these thoughts are also framed in response to our embedded notions of worth under Capitalism and its deep intertwine with the pesky Protestant Work Ethic. We feel if we’re not always striving to do more, to have more, to accomplish more, to make more - we’ll fail. We’ll be rejected.

Over the last tumultuous two years, I’ve noticed more and more folks struggling with this mindset. Struggling with the feelings of burnout, lack of motivation, lack of interest, lack of purpose. All things that could and often are seen as negatives. Yet I’ve noticed a powerful if small reframing of these feelings, too. The inkling that perhaps we are not the problem, but are rather experiencing symptoms of an unrealistic system that doesn’t work for us. As uncomfortable as this process is, I’m thankful for the shift it’s brought for me.

What shift is that? I can only describe it as softening. A softening of the expectations I put on others. A softening of the expectations I put on myself. For how much I can expect myself to accomplish. For feeling that I always need to be achieving the next thing. Saying yes to the next thing. Posting the next thing. This blurb from the Girls’ Night In Instagram, as well as countless other posts, articles, or conversations I’ve had let me know I’m not alone. At times this mindset feels like a failure. Like I’ve lost some of the drive or fire I had when I was younger. That I should always be hustling and chasing and pushing. That I’m slipping behind if I’m not. Hell, it feels deeply counter intuitive to admit these feelings in a newsletter that’s supposed to promote my freelance business and remind people to hire me! I’m supposed to be busy! Thriving! Right on top of that, Rose!

But I try to bring a softening mindset to those feelings too. To be ok with where I’m at and how I’m feeling. Knowing these seasons come and go. If you feel that you’re struggling to keep up, to do enough, to always be succeeding and achieving - you’re not alone. Know that I’m extending grace to both you and to myself.

This may not come as a surprise given the opening tone of this newsletter, but I don’t have a ton of new client work to share this month.

I’ve been working away with the folks at Loom on quite a few illustrations I can share soon.

I’ve been focusing on teaching at PNCA and the learning curves, challenges, and triumphs that come with doing something new.

I’ve been taking a lot of walks around my neighborhood here in Portland, anticipating and appreciating the renewal of spring. Enjoying small moments as they arise instead of only thinking about what’s next or what I should be doing.